As my thirty-eighth trip around the sun quickly approaches, I’ve been reflecting on my career path. My entire life has been dedicated to raising children, and at age thirty-seven, I have birthed none. As the oldest of four, I have worked in childcare practically since I was born. I started receiving a W-2 for it at eighteen when I worked at the local YMCA and donned a shirt that said “Professional Role Model.” Now, at age thirty-seven, I have made a living caring for children for over twenty years. It’s almost like that Professional Role Model t-shirt was a prophecy!

Everybody leaves

Please don’t leave me, Monica

Fair Use: Peloton

Hey, Monica — it’s me, your Peloton bike! When I first arrived, you were working out all of the time. I felt so loved, so worthy. Together we were even crushing the Coldplay Artist series, and making gains while “Fix You” plays is NO SMALL FEAT! I was proud of you, proud of US. But you’ve been skipping more and more workouts these days, Monica, and I’m beginning to think it’s something I did. Look, I know I can come on strong, but it’s only because I care.

Everyone just ASSUMES a Peloton bike has the perfect life. I mean…

Lady Whistledown is calling THIS independent woman back to the 1800s, and despite my previous need to smash the patriarchy, I’m HERE FOR IT!

Image Copyright: Netflix, Inc. (Fair Use.)

All is fair in love and war, but some battles leave no victors. It’s as if Julie Andrews were speaking to me directly as I was in a moral war with myself, a feminist who was now ready to claw her way back to the Regency Era! Betwixt my usual roles of fighting for women’s rights and reading Virginia Woolf, here I was, ready to sell an organ if only I could go back to the magical time of Bridgerton! Just, perhaps, not the sex ones.

The boot was quite on the other leg! Once a fierce activist, I was…

The Dolly Shrine has grown during this pandemic, and no one is shocked.

On Jan. 5th, 2020 I published an article about how 2019 was my year of dreaming more with Dolly Parton. It was a year full of traveling to places like Dollywood and the Grand Ol’ Opry, and culminated in a dream realized when I saw the legend herself perform on the Opry stage for her 50th Anniversary. The year charged and inspired me. With immense hope, I was ready to take on 2020 with whatever it threw my way! RECORD SCRATCH.

Before the pandemic started, 2020 wasn’t off to a great start, personally. Things fell apart and I had to…

Remember the Wooden Lady?

All Images by: Shaun Kreider/Kreider Designs @kreiderdesigns

We all know that after getting bored of being a super-sleuth, Nancy Drew retired to Martha’s Vineyard with her husband Ned Nickerson. But what about the items that went missing or contained clues, like the HAUNTED STEAMBOAT or THE WOODEN LADY? What have THEY been up to? Luckily for you, I did some sleuthing of my own, and you WON’T BELIEVE what they’re doing now!

We could all use some extra reassurance these days, so close your eyes and fall back into some of the most trustworthy items around!

Image: Shaun Kreider/Kreider Designs @kreiderdesigns

Let’s face it: it’s hard not to feel constantly on edge right now. Since self-care is especially important during these trying times, here are a few everyday items you can trust-fall into to soothe that worried mind of yours.

1. The Guinness Book of World Records Largest Pizza EVER

Who wouldn’t feel like a million dollars whilst taking the trust-plunge into a giant savory sea of goodness? Plus, it’s huge, which means you can invite all your trust-fall-worthy friends for a cheesy socially distanced hang.

2. A Trashcan Full of Sneakers from the Lost & Found

Even the ones without a match will be ready to envelop you. Not only will you feel like a kid again, but you’ll also feel…

To Whom It May Concern,

Please stop insinuating I’m a bastard by shouting things like “You’re the mailman’s daughter!” and “Your Mom definitely had sex with the mailman!” I can’t technically disprove the fact because my Dad is an actual mailman, but rest assured that my Mom is NO FLOOZIE and THE ONLY mailman she EVER had sex with is my actual Father, who is an actual mailman. …

I was once a starry-eyed teenager with hopes and aspirations! I felt like I could do ANYTHING- create a funky jewellery line, lift a car with my newfound pre-pubescent angst-driven adrenaline, be a sweater model in a fun J.Crew catalogue…I mean, seriously, how hard could it be to be a successful J. Crew catalogue model? TONS of teens my age seemed to be hanging out in fields with footballs and laying by lakes with their Jansport’s- surely I also had a face for sweaters and Jansport’s!

So I went ahead and spent all of my babysitting money on one…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood lately (hence this series), and there is one huge part of it that always seems to be larger than life (both literally and figuratively)- our first and only childhood pet, a yellow lab named Sport. Born to Bubba Buckshot and Lemon Drop Lady, possibly two of the best-named dogs in P.A., my 5-year-old sister decided to give Sport a more traditional name- but only after my parents gently nudged her away from her original suggestion of Tinkie Winkie.

Sport was no ordinary dog- sure he would chase a ball and run around…

Since it’s National Siblings Day, I’ve decided to write an homage to The Williams kids’ collective favorite toy from the late 1980's- Playskool Pipeworks! At some point during our childhood, my parents thought it was a great idea to buy their kids a box of PVC piping- and they were RIGHT! They got the Super Wheel Set 4000, which had a misleading 150 pieces (but could still safely keep four kids entertained and not using the pipes as weapons to fight over who got what).

Part of me wonders if “A box of weapons, but FOR KIDS!” was ever one…

Aubrie Williams

Comedian/writer in Philly, & member of sketch groups ManiPedi & Goat Rodeo. Co-creator of King Friday Productions with Shannon DeVido.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store